Out of my dark cave to #PrayForHoop

I have faith that things happen for a reason, but sometimes it’s hard to believe.  Sometimes I want to say “F*&^ this S*%#!” and just allow myself to go down the rabbit hole of misery.  I’ve been there before you know.  It’s not a pleasant place; I don’t recommend it, unless you need to go there to create a comparison of how your normal life is versus the dark rabbit hole. 

In 1994 I went through a severe state of depression.  I had just moved to Los Angeles and was so alone.  I had no friends my age, and I was lost.  I had just graduated from college and wanted to conquer the world, if I could just get the energy to do it.  I spent days in bed and worried the heck out of my grandparents.  They wondered what was wrong with me, and I wondered what was wrong with me.  I eventually snapped out of it by listening to self help tapes.  Yeah, I did that.  Being that I had no friends, no one to really talk to (there was no Facebook back then) I relied upon my imaginary friends of Tony Robbins, Brian Tracy and Zig Ziglar.  Soon I got a job, enrolled in acting school and spent my days working odd jobs and auditioning for parts.  I was the stereotypical 20 something living the Hollywood Sunset Boulevard life.  It was good. 

Let’s fast forward to marriage, divorce, travel, speaking, deaths, friendships blooming, friendships dissolving, my dog, my dream car, my bike and let’s land in the 2^nd quarter 2013.  It happened again.  Severe depression.  I could feel it creeping in, it was like an old acquaintance that I didn't want to see, but knew it was going to happen.  I really tried to avoid bumping into it, but eventually I surrendered.  I was out for 2 weeks, maybe a month, I really don’t know.  I tried to keep it to myself, I cut myself off from the world, including my friends and family.  I spent most of my time in bed, I became a nocturnal creature so I wouldn’t have to see or talk to anyone.  Happy normal people pissed me off.  I could hear them, I read about them on Facebook and all I knew was that I was not one of them.  Sure, I posted some random stuff on Facebook during that time, I liked people’s posts and commented, but inside I was in a dark hole.  Remember, I have acting training, I went to the Stella Adler Academy and The Groundlings, so I’m pretty good at improv, smiling and pretending. 

Only one person actually approached me and didn’t even ask what was wrong, they knew something was up.  We went out to see a movie.  We sat in front of the theater and talked for a bit before they said, “I think something is wrong with Jen”.  I said yeah, there is, I’m depressed.  I’m not really sure what came out of my mouth after that, but I let it all out and it felt good.  I did the ugly cry.  I couldn’t breathe, I just ranted, I laughed, I yelled and I have no idea how long I went on.  No one was telling me what to do, how to correct it or how they went through the same thing and this or that worked for them.  No, just good old fashioned listening.  And real listening.  Not checking the phone, looking around to see if something more interesting is going on, just focused listening.  I verbally and emotionally threw up and they were there to hold back my hair.  Thank you Universe for sending me such a good friend!

Slowly I crawled out of my dark cave.  Things started to move forward and I was participating in life again.  I was getting my groove back, literally and figuratively.  Then I had a bike accident that grounded me.  I wasn’t able to walk, run or ride for almost a month.  Damn it! I just went through all this shit and now you are going to take away from me one of my most prized activities?  What the heck!  I leaned into meditation; I believed it was going to be ok.  Then I got sick.  Ok, I get it Universe, I really need to just be still, to be around my house, to regroup and re-energize.  So I did.  All was good.  I saw a light at the end of the tunnel and headed towards the light. 

Then, December 2013.  I just suffered another incident that threatened to have me turn tail and head right back into my cave.  My 19 year old nephew, Thomas “T”, was recently a victim of racial slurs and violence.  He was attending a party with his basketball teammates in Oregon, when a fight broke out.  Someone then hit him over the head with a bottle and then AGAIN with a crowbar.  WTF?!!  The incident made the local news, was all over Facebook, Twitter and Instagram (most of his friends are well versed in social media).  He was in coma, needed machines to help him breathe and eventually was able to move his right arm, both his legs, but not his left arm.  He’s not out of the woods yet, it’s too soon to tell.  He had brain surgery which led to swelling.  We won’t know for awhile, the human brain is tricky.  He has his youth and strength on his side, he also has an army of people praying for him and his mom (my sister). 

This is one of the times where it’s hard for me to keep the faith, to believe that everything has a purpose and that things will be ok in the end.  But as I look back on my life so far, I have evidence that yes, it’s going to be ok.  Instead of throwing my hands up and going back into my cave, I courageously head towards the light.  I can feel it, something has changed in me.  I don’t know if that means that I’ll never feel severe depression again, but I do know that it’s not going to win this time. 

To the woman that wielded the near fatal blow, I know that the amount of anger and fear that was in her when she struck T, is equivalent to the amount of suffering that’s going on inside of her.  I went through a brief period of anger that I directed at April Brown, but now have quietly resolved to pray for her.  As she realizes the magnitude of her actions, I pray she is able to forgive herself and come to terms with it.  I pray that T pulls through and is a testimony of faith in action.  I pray that somehow this incident strengthens my sister and her family, and I pray that as the human race continues, that we one day will know a time without violence against each other. 

Thank you internet, for allowing me to purge my thoughts to a faceless audience.  Getting it out is healing.  Man, I need to do this more often.  

Traditional Tuesdays

If you know me, you know I love Oprah.  She has inspired me in ways that I can not even begin to describe.  For me, she is a life teacher.  So, when OWN started talking about "Meatless Mondays", I was kinda bummed.  I wanted to be a part of a movement that was OWNed based, but I was already meatless.

But then, as time went on, I got to thinking.  People are challenging themselves with going meatless, that can be a big deal for some.  What about me, what would be my equivalent?  Hmmmm....

Going traditional.  That would be freakin' hard for me.  That would mean no cheese, no sugar, no bread, no butter. Did I mention cheese?  Oh, and coffee.  No coffee!  No way.  Can't do it.  Or could I?

Let's review.  Not coloring my hair anymore, done.  Going car free, done.  Giving up meat, done.  Ok, well if I can let go of those things, then I think I can go back to a traditional diet.  Yes, I can do this.  But I need help.  And I can't do it full time.  I think I can ease into this.  Like one day a week.  Hey, kinda like "Meatless Mondays"!

And so, "Traditional Tuesdays" was born.  A personal challenge that was grown out of a conversation with my friend Melvin while at CicLAvia in April 2013.

Next was the planning part.  What would I eat?  I called my friend Amy back on my rez (Tohono O'odham reservation), and she started to give me some ideas.  Ug.  Basically that means only veggies and fruit, if I wanna go hardcore.  Well, if our ancestors survived off of this food since time began, why can't I?

Then, on May 1st, I was running and praying.  I've been going through some stuff, so I was really doing some chanting in my mind.  Suddenly I thought, why not ask others to do Traditional Tuesdays with me?  I just heard on the Native Voice Network conference call that Native Americans are the 2nd largest group to use Facebook, thanks to my friend Chrissie for sharing.  So why not create a Facebook event?  So as soon as I got home, I jumped on my computer, still panting and sweating (ewww) and created the event.
Facebook event

As I blog, I still haven't eaten breakfast or showered (double ewww).  But in the first 20 minutes of the event being created, we got people from Cali, Texas, Oklahoma, Georgia, Arizona and New York, all wanting to get on board.

As a closing note, I'd like to invite all people, not just Native Americans, to participate.  Food can be sacred.   Learn what your ancestors used to eat, pass it on to your kids, spread the word and love your body.

Enjoy the silence and the THX

Do you have rules when to watching a movie? This has been quite the topic of conversation for me as of late.  

As my new friend said, while we were seated around the fire pit making s'mores, "It's about having respect for the art."

Yes, I totally agree! What else needs to be said? 

Well, it's not that easy, because sometimes I'll watch movies with people that may not be aware of my perspective, and then I quickly get jarred into another reality. So now I'm interested to see if others have a similar perspective. Or, am I, my brother and my new s'mores friend alone in our respect for the motion picture? 

 
Here are my rules:
No talking. Please, just hold all questions, comments or whatever, until the end. Unless it's discussed earlier, or I'm able to pause/rewind, please just enjoy the film. I'll be busy, I'm watching a movie, I'm lost in another world (if the movie is doing a good job of entertaining me). Attempts at conversation would be like trying to pull me out of a beautiful slumber, the kind where you're lost in an awesome dream. So unless it's an emergency, just watch the movie. Of course, I may break my own rule every now and then, but in general, I just want people to be quiet. 

 
No cell phones. This pretty much mirrors my first rule. Why do you need your cell phone right now? If you are the President or something, then yes, please answer your phone. Otherwise, if you are not able to disconnect for 90 minutes, maybe going to the movies is not the right type of activity for you. Why do you think there is always an announcement before the movie to turn off or silence your cell phone? Because people are trying to watch a movie!. They don't need to see your glowing light from your phone, let alone hear you talk. Call or text that person later. They should understand, it's perfectly acceptable to NOT answer your phone during a movie. 

 
Be present and enjoy.  When watching at home with other people, please sit down and watch the movie. For me, this is not the time to check Facebook, make a meal, have side conversations (even if they are about the movie) or do research on the computer. And if you are doing another activity, please don't come back and expect me to tell you what you missed. 

HBO pretty much hits it on the head for me with a character called "Jennifer" in this commercial. I'll never ask anyone to leave, but in my head I'll either just be like "Ok, I'll have to watch this again Han Solo" and silently tell myself that everyone is different and that's ok.
My viewpoint explained by HBO.

In a group situation, if going in I know that I'm not really going to be able to watch the movie because it's a boisterous crowd, I'll concentrate on enjoying the environment, not so much the story. I'll also know that I'll probably have to watch the movie again by myself.  But if I think I'm going to be able to sit back and really soak it up, and then it's no so, it'll take a minute for me to adjust. It's just how I am, I'm glad I'm aware of it.

At my house, if we gotta go to the restroom while watching a movie, it's known to yell out "pause?" to the person leaving the room. If the movie is one that I've already seen or pretty predictable, that'll be a "no" from me.  We have a policy to respect the potty break. See, there are always exceptions to the rule.

If I'm in the theater, I'll do my best to not leave. If I must go, I'll go as quickly as I can and NOT ask any questions until we are in the lobby after the movie. If the person I'm with wants to give me a quick update on what I missed, I would probably shoot them a smile, say thanks and stare straight ahead to give the clue that I'm thinking "Hello? I'm trying to watch a movie".

That's it. Those are my rules. Pretty simple, I think. Harsh? Maybe. But if you think so, we probably won't be watching movies together. I am totally aware that people are different, people have their own methods and ways for movie watching, that's why I'm writing this. I am interested to hear if other people have rules AND I wanted to clarify mine. 

 
Bottomline: I'm just asking people to watch the movie. I understand that not everyone has that ability. Maybe it's because we've become an ADD/ sound bite/ multi-tasking society. I don't know. But what I do know is that if you and I watch a movie together, I have some quiet expectations. I respect that I maybe alone in my desire for silence, that's why I go to the movies by myself sometimes. Of course, I love going with my friends. But most of the people I see movies with already know that I'm particular when it comes to movie watching. 

 
And until I find that person one that also enjoys the silence, I'm happy to ask for a ticket for one.

Does it Matter that Los Angeles County is the Nation's Capital for City Indians?

I guess not.  Not with the recent Paul Frank-gate incident. 

The latest data from the 2010 Census says that Los Angeles County has the largest urban Indian population in the country. 

Even with all of us here in L.A., we still got served up as characters to be imitated at the Paul Frank "Dream Catchin' Pow wow Celebrating Fashion's Night Out" on September 6th.  The event was complete with stereotypical mock tomahawks, war paint and head dresses.  And really crappy ones at that.  The electric pink, made in another country kind, ug. 

Many at first, including myself, were in shock that in 2012 a company could think it's ok to dress up in mock versions of whatever they think is "Indian".  Especially a company that is supposed to be "hip", and one that obviously didn't learn from the "Navajo" panty incident at Urban Outfitters.

Later we found out that the company apologized and wants to work with Native artists to create designs, and donate profits to Native causes.  That's pretty cool.  This could be someone's bigger break  to see their work on a national platform. 

Additionally, the Paul Frank president, along with 2 Native bloggers will also address the International Licensing Merchandisers Association (LIMA) conference about the use of Native imagery in fashion.  I truly hope that helps detour other companies to use their version of "Native" imagery in their merchandise. 

But really, this incident highlights one major issue for me: Native people are just not seen out there in the mainstream.  In the one location that has the highest Native population IN THE COUNTRY, not one voice in the Paul Frank company spoke up warning against the possible implications of mocking Native Americans.  In all the months and weeks it took to plan their event, no one ever thought, "Hey, do you think anyone will get upset that we're gonna have war paint, bows and arrows and tomahawks?"  And then, to add to that, all the party goers jumped on the bandwagon and happily posed for pictures, keeping the ignorance going. 

I'm inclined to say it's because they didn't know.  Too many people don't know anything when it comes to Native Americans, other than tee pees, tomahawks and dream catchers.  With over 565 tribes, it can be difficult for non-Natives to grasp that each tribe has it's own language, it's own creation stories and it's own system of government.  At least once a week, I am dropping some sort of factual tidbit to my non-Native friends.  I wear my Indian-ness on my sleeve and I'm always asked random questions about my culture, which I'm happy to explain.  I WANT people to know, to understand, to learn- all so they can they can then have a greater respect for my community. 

I don't have any answers or solutions.  I do have some ideas: can we finally teach how this country was really founded?  Can each state spend time on not only the Nation's history with Native Americans, but learn about the tribes in their state and in their local community?  Can we do away with making headbands and paperbag vests in November?

And the biggest one for me: can we encourage people to learn their own cultural heritage?  By learning where your people are from, how they got here (USA), and family histories, people then tend to then have a greater respect for other cultures. 

Why do you think we are so offended by the misuse of war paint and headdresses?  Because we Native Americans, we treasure our heritage.  Those posing in the pictures, I wonder how much they know about theirs.  It wasn't too long ago that we were thought of as a "problem" that needed to wiped out, and then later told to assimilate.  Not many know WHY Los Angeles and other cities have Native American populations in the first place, it was called relocation, but I'm not sure if that's standard information in history books today... 

I was taught that you learn who you are in the stories of your people.  When you know what your family had to go through to get here, the customs and traditional ways of your people and why they were practiced, a sense of respect grows.   And the more one respects their heritage and culture, it seems to naturally follow that one would then begin to respect other's heritage and culture.

Here's to hoping that's true.

~J

Hey blogspotters! I just wanted to let you all know that my regular blog is now on MySpace.

http://blog.myspace.com/nativemuse
Ok, just FYI.
Oh, and I'm day 24 of NO SODA! Dang, no diet coke, no regular coke- nothin'!
So I'm off to my writers group. I got a few new scenes to share.
~J

A Meeting of the Ndn Minds

Seattle rocked the house!

I had a moment to think about it, we had San Antonio, Portland, Oakland, Los Angeles (me, woo-hoo), Seattle, Phoenix, Albuquerque and Minneapolis- all representing urban Indian centers at the same table- how cool is that! Other centers wanted to make it, but they weren't able to this time. We officially were there to learn about the Earned Income Tax Credit, what it is and how to inform our communities about EITC. I already knew about it because I attended the conference in Chicago, I was there to hear about the other urban communities. I was so happy to hear that Minneapolis has a Native section in their city! That's one of my dreams for LA, to have a Native neighborhood- our own area in Los Angeles. Can you imagine it, going into the store and hearing pow wow music, or seeing pow wow flyers? I used to think that it was just a pipe dream (lol), but after hearing about it, I know it can happen.

The morning of the meeting, I got up early and ran about 6 miles. I have to say that Seattle is beautiful- it's so green. I saw the sun come up over the water, it was beautiful, even thinking about it brings a tear to my eye. I was never really into appreciating my surroundings, especially when I was younger. But now I do, I see how wonderful it is to be on this earth. But I digress.

So the meeting was good, met all the people representing the various ndn centers and then went back to the hotel. Afterwards I went out for sushi with the Phoenix and Seattle people. We talked and talked! It was so great! We all know a lot of the same people, ndn country is so small. We were all about the same age bracket, and we talked about how the face of our leadership is changing, both in the cities and back home. We talked about how a lot of the older crew still holds grudges against other leaders or organizations- so it's good that the younger ones are coming up (and that's true in LA- the old school leadership isn't too keen on building community). I wish I could just sit and talk to them longer, or more often. Being with other great Native people who really want things to change- I was so happy, I didn't want it to end. We then went to go play pool- which I'm not a real big fan of, but I was enjoying the company- so I tagged along. I was talked into playing teams- Phoenix/ LA vs. Seattle/LA (my partner in crime from LA). Seattle killed!

Soon we started to get tired, so Seattle drove us back to our hotel. I was feeling yucky, just tired and moody, drained- not very social. And wouldn't you know it, so was my friend. So we ordered Mr. and Mrs. Smith, neither one of us had seen it. We loved it! It was just what we needed- mindless entertainment. Once it was over it was time for bed.

Next thing I knew I was on a plane back to LA. I read a lot and worked on some things- that was good. Somewhere along the flight I fell alseep, and woke to gasps and semi-screams. We weren't bouncing around, so I was confused. I looked out my window, we were flying over lava! Well, we weren't really flying over lava, but it looked like it. I guess while I've been gone, all these fires have been spreading. We were flying right over this huge blaze. It was kinda scary. It was really smokey and you could smell it. We were landing in Burbank, which is where one of the fires was located- so when we landed all you could smell was smoke- it kinda burned my eyes. But regardless, I was happy to be back home.

I'm now home for the week, so that's good. I had an awesome weekend. Leia (my dog) and I ran about 7 miles today. Oh, and I caught that movie Serenity with one of my good friends, so that was cool. Oh, and I found out one of the people we were talking about, Kevin Grover, is going to be speaking in San Diego- so I want to go catch him.

Tomorrow I gotta prep for my upcoming entrepreneurship class.

Catch ya later!~J

Oak-La-Home-Ahhhhhhhhh!


I’m in Oklahoma City- boy, it’s humid and hot! I’m here with UNITY (United National Indian Tribal Youth) UNITY website doing a Preparing Native Youth for Life’s Journey training. It’s going great- yesterday we did community assessment and action planning, today we’re going to cover personal mission statements. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about what I want for my personal mission statement. I had one that I carried with me for quite some time, but recently have forgotten about it (I still remember comparing lists with JL in Pasadena- back a few years).

OK, I’m back. I just took a break and did a personal Mind Map Mind map site for what I want to accomplishment in my life. I was projecting myself into the future and thinking about once my life is over, what are the things that I want to say I’ve accomplished….?

I thought about several things, one of them being raising a healthy family with a strong “prayer partner”, a traditional, spiritual, healthy, educated, self sufficient, happy Native American man….many have remarked that’s a tall order- but I’m not worried, he’s out there somewhere.

Another thing that I want in my lifetime accomplishments is to establish a media empire- publishing and producing. I want to publish books on the history of the Los Angeles Urban Indians, the Native Youth Wellness Movement, and other inspirational/ informational Native subjects. I also want to produce a daily talk show and few motion pictures. So already that’s a lot, but it’s what I’m striving for in my life.

After my mind map, I talked with my mentor- looking at the things that I want compared to how I’m currently spending my time- there is a big discrepancy. I’m spending most of my time in projects that aren’t leading me to accomplishing my long term goals. It’s not that I’m not passionate about how I’m spending my time now- it’s just that nothing that I’m currently doing is what my heart truly wants. And I don’t think that this is just a fleeting desire, every time I do these types of exercises, it’s the same thing- I get the same results.

So I’m at a crossroads- with the limited time that I have, how do I start moving towards my heart’s desire? Did I mention that fear has a lot to do with what’s stopping me? Man, and this is what I do for a living. I help people identify what they really want to do with their lives, and then help them set up a plan to achieve it. So now I’m my own client. I’ve decided to take action now. I’m going to publish the LA community newsletter that I had going earlier in the year. I started last summer, and then kinda put it aside to tackle other things (distractions?). Facing a long flight back home, I think I’ll spend it working towards building my media empire, rather that checking out a movie.

Thanks for reading, just writing this out has helped me become closer to my dreams.
~J

Only The Lonely

Today had to be my best day in Chicago. I'm for a national conference learning more about the earned income tax credit. I've meet lots of reservation folks that have started VITA sites- that's volunteer income tax assistance sites where people will do your taxes for you if you qualify for the EITC. This is a multi cultural conference, but we were able to have a special Native American caucus- so that was cool. It's really interesting, and I don't know anything about this world, so I was kinda feeling overwhelmed the first day- all these acronyms flying around- I was like wait- what the heck! What's a VITA, and IDA?! But now I'm more comfortable and I've picked up on a lot.

I'm sure I'll be writing more about my adventures of getting a LA native VITA up and running by January 2006- if that's what we decided to do. I'm working with the American Indian Children's Council, so I don't know if we are going to just refer people to already existing sites, or if we are going to go for it and start our own- we'll see.

Oh, and I heard a truly dynamic speaker- Mr. David Cay Johnston of The New York Times. He wrote this book called Perfectly Legal, The Covert Campaign to Rig Our Tax System to Benefit the Super Rich - and Cheat Everybody Else! Here's the link: http://www.perfectlylegalthebook.com/ He encouraged all of us to get in touch with our representatives. Well actually, he challenged us to make an appointment with them, call their office and ask for 10 min. of their time when they are in town. In all the speeches that he has delivered, he has never met anyone who has 1) actually followed through or 2) followed up with him. He gave us his personal email and direct line at the NY Times begging us to let him know what happens- were we denied, did we get a meeting, what happened when you called?! So I met with him afterwards and he knows my rep, says I won't get anytime with him, but I should still try. Hmmm, I love a challenge. He also said that when I call if they ask if I'm a contributor that's illegal- let him know!

After my big day of tax info, I decided to go run. I found the fountain that's in the beginning of Married with Children- ran by that. Then I ran along Lake Michigan- it was so awesome. People were everywhere- and every now and then a hottie would run by me- love the eye candy. I ran to the big ferris wheel on Navy Pier, and then turned back to the hotel. Once I got back I ordered Chicago Deep Dish Pizza and laughed at The Office and was on the edge of my seat to the Nip/ Tuck season premier. After chatting with my bud Jerry and talking about speed dial order (Seinfeld) I now need to turn in for the day.
Tomorrow I go home for a few hours, and then fly off to Oklahoma City.

Oh, and did anyone get my John Candy reference, the movie that was filmed here in Chicago. Or did you all think I'm gettin' lonely out here on the road? I love it out here!

Thanks for stoppin' by
~J

So one of the on-line groups that I belong to is "Urban Indians". Someone posted a question about sense of community- does your city have it? Actually, I'm summing up their post extensively, but that's only because I went a little over board with my reply:

Los Angeles, CA- Urban Indian Scene

I would say that here in LA you can have a sense of community IF you know where to find it. I lived here for 2 years and couldn't find one Indian- no pow wows, sweats, pot lucks-nothing! Oh wait, I did see one in a Noah’s Bagels store, she was on her way to the set of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman (I’m dating myself here), she was wearing a camp dress, looking very stereotypical Native. I was working behind the counter and didn’t get to ask her for the hook-up on where to go, etc.

I had always heard that LA had THE largest urban Indian population, and I wondered where all the Natives were. This was back in '94-'95, and I didn't have the internet, so maybe that had a lot to do with it. And then one day I came across info on the LA Indian health clinic, and before I knew it, I was plugged in!

LA is home to over 138,000 natives, however in a survey of the 3 major ndn orgs./ centers in LA County, when they totaled the amount of clients they each serviced, it only added up to 6,000 clients for all 3. Some of those might be counted more than once, because usually if you are signed up with one organization, you are registered with another as well. Anyways, that means roughly 132,000 are out there like I was, maybe disconnected, wondering where all the Indians are. Or even worse, not wondering. Not identifying with their culture and heritage, but rather assimilating into the mainstream culture.

But back to the question at hand, do we have a sense of community here in LA. For me it’s an overwhelming yes, yes, yes! I have worked for all 3 ndn orgs., and I have thrown myself into the community. But then again, I made the effort because I needed a sense of community, I searched it out.

What about those that are out there that may be disconnected, how do we reach them? One big barrier is funding for advertising. LA is so big, and we don’t all live in one place. There’s a Chinatown, a Koreatown, Little Italy, even the Russians have their ‘hood- but no “Native Village” or “Indian Town”. A program would have to put up a lot of billboards, bus bench ads and have a PSA run at key time, in order to really make an impact. Plus, the above mentioned tools would only reach a small population- currently a “pocket” or concentration of Natives is 150 or less. LA County is broken up into 8 sections, and the largest Indian population in one of those sections is 25,000, the smallest is 7,000. So for every 100 or so that would see the ad, maybe 1 Native would see it.

Another reason is there has yet to be an organized attempt between all the existing programs to come together, pull their resources and make a push to let LA know we are here, there are programs and service to help. Money is tight and programs are very territorial about their clients and collaboration - which is why I believe that working with youth is the best way to go. They aren’t bitter, they don’t care about the politics, they just want to hang out and meet other Native kids. This year, one of the groups that I volunteer with, United Native Youth LA (UNYLA), will be doing a big media push to get the word out about our group. UNYLA is a coalition of the youth groups from the 3 Native organizations, and they specifically work to build a better sense of community for LA’s Native youth. I believe that through our youth we can create a stronger sense of community for the next generation of LA urban Indians.

I guess for those of us that got the hook-up, that were lucky enough to get involved in the LA Native scene, we can say that we have a thriving community here. They tried to assimilate us with relocation, they deliberately placed us in neighborhoods that are great distances from one another, but we found each other. In fact, this is how I know we are a strong native community- people will drive miles and miles and fight the traffic (which sucks big time) just to attend events. We have an ndn basketball league, various youth programs, tribally specific groups (Navajo, Creek, Cherokee and O’odham), churches, pow wows, weekly sweats, American Indian Chamber of Commerce, NAC meetings, dance workshops and of course just plain old get togethers. At each one of these events, you can see Indians from all different nations coming from all different parts of LA County, just to spend a few hours together. You know, there is something about chillin’ with other Indians, especially here in the big city.

And while I got your ear (or, eye…ayyy!), I would just like to add that once we learn to put all the crap aside and come together as a people, we can start making some additional progress in this land of ours. Shooooot, one ethnic group was brought here against their will, yet a few hundred years later they dominate in sports, own their own cable channels, have their own radio stations, are serving in Congress or judges, they’re business tycoons and more. Yet we are here in our own land and we don’t have a TV station- what’s up with that? Here in California we can’t even get the casino tribes to come together to take a stand, or agree, with our current governor. Some tribes love Arnold, others are spending big bucks on commercials to speak out against him.

My people, my people, we gotta unite! We have to support one another. We have to love one another. Our ancestors did not die in vain for us to be petty about these things. They want us to come together and tell this country that we are still here!

So there you have it, a little more than just the LA Native Scene. I don’t know if anyone reads these things anyways, maybe it was just a good exercise in typing.

Comments, questions?
ndnjenjen@yahoo.com
Peace!
~J

From Sore to Soar!

I’m aching, my body is so sore (how sore is it?).

Today was the beginning of a new journey for me- one that I have been preparing myself for, for quite some time. Today I signed up with a personal trainer at my gym. I know, I know, its' so LA. But I need to be accountable to someone!

Last weekend, while I was learning how to tie a hand drum, an image of the “better Jennifer”, the person that I know that I could be if I strived to be the best I could be, flashed before my eyes. How do I get there? Who is she? Why aren't I her now?

That’s easy, I would say because I’m lazy, I’m really lazy. Not all the time, but enough for me to put on quite a few extra pounds (a few….?). True, I’ve run 3 marathons, working on my 4th, but still, I do not look like a marathon runner. I don’t even think I look athletic.

I’ve been a gym member since 2003, but have not been a regular. I would rarely set foot in there, for various reasons (excuses, really). The lamest and biggest excuse is that it was my ex who paid for the membership, it was all his idea. I don’t need no stinkin’ gym! But the truth is I do. My work out routine is non existent and I need to be accountable to someone. So I made it one of my goals to call the gym and check out the personal trainers. I finally get around to it Thursday. They tell me I could come in today, if I wanted. I know myself, I need to take action ASAP or I won’t do it. So 45 minutes later I find myself at the gym asking for “Joey”.

Joey looks like a trainer, he’s Asian and probably in his late 20’s. He starts asking me all kinds of questions about why I’m there, what’s my goal, how active am I, etc. I start answering his questions, and then remember back to when I was in the best shape of my life. I was in high school; I had 2 personal trainers because I was in recovering from a torn ACL. I was a soccer star, I had one personal coach and one personal trainer that worked me out. I was fit and boy, back then, I looked good. I don’t even know what my body fat was, but it was low. Now all I have to show for it is a big scar on my right knee. Most people look at it and just get this blank stare, kinda like a “poor her”. Those looks are especially from “girly girls”. But I love my scar and I’m proud of it- and it’s a great conversation starter…lol.

So anyways, it turns out that the image that I had of myself was also part of my body memory, remembering back to when I was fit. As Joey was putting me through physical torture, he was telling me that my muscles will remember, they have memory. They will remember what it was like to lift weights and be pushed to the limit. After every exercise Joey would ask me, “How do you feel girl?” and I forced myself to respond, “Good!” I decided that no matter what he threw at me, I would do it, I wouldn’t complain and I would smile. Towards the end I wanted to quit, it was really hard, but then I closed my eyes and remembered back to my goal image. He was there all along, coaxing me “only 5 more girl, come on, 4,3,2,- you’re done!”

Crunches, sit ups, dips, squats, running laps (they have a track inside)- by the end of the session I felt good and tired. He told me to go home and eat. No problem there, that’s what got me into this situation in the first place.

So all day I’ve been drinking water and feelin’ pretty good. I got to hang out with my good friend Bel, she’s my hairstylist. We’ve been friends ever since I moved to LA. We were pretty wild back then, but now she’s married to Michael Dudikoff. He’s an actor best known as the “American Ninja”. So I got a hair cut and we agreed that next we we’re gonna hang out at the beach. Woo-hoo!

I’m set to meet with my regular trainer tomorrow at 7am. I requested 6am, but when he called to confirm, I changed it to 7am. I’m gonna hit the hay early tonight, sometime before midnight. I want change in my life and a part of it is getting my sleep patterns back on track- no more 3am bedtimes here.

Oh, and if I had a digital camera I would take one of those “before” pictures in a bikini- NOT! Come on now, I'm not about to do that! But I’ll be sure to prance around in much cuter clothes this time next year. :-)

Various thoughts from Dr. Jen

It’s now after midnight, this is the first time I have a minute to sit and think about the past few weeks.

Wow! I have been so busy! It all started in early June, with the Torres Martinez tribe in Palm Springs, CA. I was out there doing an entrepreneurship class, and then moved on to Elko, NV for another week long entrepreneurship camp. From there I went to Lake Tahoe to work with the Washoe tribe for Native Wellness Institute. Over the 4th of July I went home to the Tohono O’odham reservation- but that was a very quick visit. Let’s just say it didn’t go the way it was planned to go….I ended up spending the weekend at the Gila River Wildhorse Pass- which was an awesome alternative!

I was a little disappointed, more hurt by my biological family- but I guess that’s what happens when you are surrounded by unhealthy living. Oh, but the cool thing was that I got to spend time with my great aunt, who helped me with learning some O’odham language.

So, back to the road….After AZ, I was sent to San Diego for the UNITY conference. That was the best UNITY that I have ever attended! Mostly because I was able to hang with 2 of my most cherished friends- Robert Johnston and Kel Jones. Even though the hours were so long, every morning I woke up so jazzed that I was getting paid to work with 2 awesome people. To top it off, I was able to bring 2 up and coming leaders from Los Angeles, Sandra Sanchez and Shondiin Gonzales. I was happy to introduce them to my mentor, Jeri Brunoe Samson. So yes, UNITY was cool.

Oh, and I learned a really great lesson. I headed out to UNITY with the notion of working with the youth- but then was thrown a curve by being told that I was in fact going to be assigned to the ADVISORS! I was kinda upset. I didn’t complain or say anything, I just went to my room and prayed about it. I realized that if that was where the Creator wanted me, then that was where I was going to go. As it turned out, it was the best thing for me. I had a blast meeting all the advisors and chaperones.

So learned to always go with the flow- if I am truly to be an instrument of the Creator, then I relinquish control and let Him guide me where I am needed.

My travels didn’t stop there! Right after UNITY, Jeri and headed to the LA airport and flew into Spokane, WA and then drove over to Couer D’Alene, ID. We were there for another week, with White Bison. I was there for the Daughters of Tradition training. I almost got to see Randy Travis- but that’s a whole ‘nother story (huh, Mona). I also had Louella set up an intertribal arranged marriage for me. On the last day of training, one of the elders asked if her grandson, who is currently stationed in Iraq, could get a hold of me when he gets home- LOL! Our class was full of elders, they were there with the “Adopt a Grandma” program, that was cool. I sure learned a lot from them. And, hey, I may have gained a future husband- LMAO!

So all those travels lead me up to my proudest moment this summer- UNYLA’s youth summit. Because of the…hmmmm, what’s the word….animosity…? Well, let’s just say not all the Native organizations get a long here in LA. In October of 2004 we set out to change that by starting a youth coalition from the 3 main LA native organizations. We have been meeting for 9 months and this past weekend’s event was the culmination of their work. Our goal was to not have any adults on the stage, that it would be the youth in front, it was their show. Let me tell you, I had to fight back the tears as one by one the youth took the stage. Their words were so powerful! We could leave, move or even die, and UNYLA will still go on- they have taken ownership and have what it takes to keep it going.

Not only did I get to see the next wave of LA leaders born, but I also got to meet some great people. First, let me start with I was so happy that I was able to fly out my young nephew to attend the summit. He was out here for spring break, and I took him to one of our planning meetings. He met a lot of the kids that I work with, and a lot of the LA ndn community members- man, I dragged him all over! We had fun, too, but he did have to put up with 2 work days.

Anyways, I was able to bring him out and I know he had a good time. My sister called me to tell me he couldn’t stop talking about the summit and the people he met. One of which I was also glad to hang with, DJ Abel. He DJ-ed for the youth dance, and he also gave 2 workshops. He taught me about gravitas- an important political word......but I'll stop there, that's another blog.

I also got to spend some time with Donavon Barney, Abel's cousin. I first met Donny at this year’s UNITY conference. He spoke some great words at the youth forum and he also sang the National Anthem on UNITY Talent Show night. Donny made a big impression on one of LA’s community members, Ben Hale. I just heard that he got into a big entertainment internship up here in LA (he's from San Diego area), so I have a feeling we will be seeing him up here more often.

Well, all this reporting, I didn’t even get to my main topic- why I named this entry “Dr. Jen”. In short, in the last 2 days, I have received phone calls- some in the middle of the night, from friends of mine, who needed a friendly ear. I guess I’m just happy that first of all, I have friends! And that I could be there for them. Those guys know who they are, and I boys- I love you. Thanks for thinking of me to turn to- I hope your minds rest easy. I will carry your thoughts with me when I go to ceremony.

Up next, thoughts about the big decision that I have to make- and don’t want to….
Peace, thanks for stoppin’ by-
ndnjenjen@yahoo.com
Jen (Jen-nai, to some)

Ahhh, correction! It was at ELAC, they rescued us at the last minute- what a Godsend they were!

A New Beginning for LA Natives!

Woo hoo! What a night! I have just come back for the American Indian Children’s Council (AICC) first big community event, and boy was it great!

How it all began....

Ok, so I’ve been a member of the Children’s Council since it first started. My interest and participation has waxed and waned- but as of late I’ve become fully consumed with the AICC. It began last year when Chrissie Castro and I sat down to write out a portion of the AICC 04-05 workplan. Since I have worked for or with all 3 of the major Native organizations in LA (UAII, SCIC and TANF) I had noticed that we lacked cooperation and communication between our community programs- specifically youth programs. I had a dream of bringing youth from all 3 of the organizations together as a council to help build our community. So Chrissie and I sat down last year and planned out “United Native Youth LA”- our new Native youth coalition. We hosted a back to school night in October, 2004 as the kick off to UNYLA. We now hold weekly regular meetings and are getting ready to hold our first youth summit July 16th. It’s been going great so far, and in just a few weeks 3 of our youth are heading to an indigenous youth conference in Vancouver sponsored by the UN (United Nations).

Fast forward to June, 2005....Seeing results from our youth coalition, we journeyed into the realm of adults. We recently got word that LA County wanted to start getting more feedback from the community about how to help direct their services. The County funded community forums that are being held through out LA County, in various communities during the months of May and June. June 10th was the American Indian community forum, held at East LA College. Our goal was to get at least 100 LA County Native Americans together so we could start talking about what our issues are as a community.

Well, I’m happy to report we hit our mark! It was absolutely fabulous! Fortunately I didn’t stop to think about the power of getting so many Native community members together in one room, or I would have broken down. I had been praying for the forum ever since I had heard about the project. I was so good to see so many Indians in one place, and then to hear their comments and concerns- what else could I want? Now, all I’m concerned with is following up on people’s recommendations- seeing how we can implement people’s suggestions.

I’ll be getting back to all of you out there in the internet world. I still need to digest and reflect up what happened at the forum. But I thank the Creator for bringing us together and helping get so many great suggestions for our LA Native community.

Next project- getting ready for the Tohono O’odham Nation visit to Los Angeles. One LA community project down, one more to go…..and after that I’m off to Nevada for a Native youth entrepreneurship class and then to Washoe Meeks Bay for a Native Wellness youth gathering….what a summer and it’s only just beginning.

Peace!
~Jen

My Hana.
We had just finished hiking in Eaton Canyon, she was resting after playing in the water. That day was probably one of the best times we had together.

My Han(a) Solo

Hi Cyber world-
It's been quite some time since I hit the keyboard, but here I am once again.
Let's review! Since May 2004 I have: Traveled to Tulsa, Oklahoma, where I not only conducted my first Daughters of Tradition training, but I also met and spent time with the Tiger sisters (Dana and Lisa).
Held Daughters of Tradition trainings in Grand Rapids -Michigan, Great Falls- Montana, Sacramento- California and Albuquerque - New Mexico.
Put together my first conference called "Strengthening Our Community" on the Ft. Duchesne Ute reservation in Utah. 3 days of wellness, fun and learning!
I resigned my position working with the SCIC youth council, with great regret, but I am looking towards the future.
In Sept. ’04 I started training again for the 2005 LA Marathon
and….I've unfortunately just recently lost my dog, Hana. I thought I was doing well with it, but I guess I'm still grieving. I miss her a lot. In fact, after just having a moment thinking about her prompted me to start writing again.
I haven't really shared with any of my friends about her death. Dealing with death is kinda personal and I don't want to bring anyone else down. I know I am definitely a dog person, but not everyone out there loves animals. I'm choosing to wallow in my pain by myself- just deal with missing my Hana in my own way. Man, she was a great dog.

So I guess that's where this entry is going, talking about the death of my beloved Miss Hana. That's what we would call her, Miss Hana, or Han-Han or Hanaleya or plain HANA!, when she was in trouble- which was a lot.

In Burbank there is this public access show that features animals from the Burbank pound, advertising them for sale. We used to always watch that show, clap aloud "Dog Show" when it would come on, and kinda browse the pets. But one day, Manuel saw a dog that he said would be the perfect companion for our other dog- Leia (Yes, as in Princess Leia). When the show re-ran, I caught a glimpse of her- ohhh, she was soooo cute. The show said she would be available the following Tuesday. When Tuesday came we jetted over to the Burbank pound, we were the first ones there when the doors opened. I remember the worker thought we were crazy. We said that we saw the little black and white dog on the dog show (clap- clap....never mind), and we wanted to buy her. We asked if anyone had inquired about her, was it too late? Had someone else put a bid in on her before us? Nope! He said sometimes he wondered if people even watched the show. A lot of the pets don't get any buyers, she was still there.

He warned us she was a little traumatized. The found her abandoned and tied to a pole in a local Bank of America parking lot- she was just a month or two old. She needed lots of love, and we were ready to give it to her. With a quick signature and a few bucks she was ours. I was so happy! There she was, in a box in my front seat. I took her to work with me that day because I wasn't sure if she would get a long with Leia- so we would wait to introduce them until that evening. And so we named her Hana, as in Han Solo, but a girl....yes, I know I'm a Star Wars freak (episodes 4, 5 and 6- not the new CG ones).

Hana and Leia got a long great; they instantly took to each other. Times were wonderful, lots of walks, playing, rolling around on the ground cuddling our dogs.

But then, about6 months after we got Hana...maybe it was a year, they started fighting. It was pretty bad. Once Manuel tried to separate them and he got bit- we had to go to the ER for stitches. We would separate them during the day while we were at work, I could barely sleep- it was a bad time. We were told they were fighting to see who would be the Alpha dog. Leia would always win. I don't remember how long that phase went on, maybe a few weeks, but once it ended I was so relieved.

The only other dark period we had was this one time that Hana ran out in the street and got hit by a car. She dashed out the door, wouldn't come back when I called her, but then came limping back seconds later. I rushed her to the vet and they fixed her up- not much damage other than to my wallet.

What I remember most about Hana was her ability to jump. Man, she could catch some air! The neighbors behind us said they would trip out on her. They would be in their backyard and all they would see is this little head popping over the fence every now and then- like she was on a trampoline. In fact, it was more of a hop than a jump. We would watch the dog Olympics, where they would compete with Frisbees and stuff..... and I would think that Hana could be doing that- she would kick all their butts- she was the highest jumper I had ever seen.

Once I moved in with my Grandmother, our time together was limited. I do remember one time that they came over, I got nervous because Hana left paw marks all the way at the top of the fence from her jumping. Some of them are still there, I'm glad about that.

Well, now here comes the bad part of the story, how Hana died.

Over Christmas Manuel took Hana and Leia to his family's house in Palm Springs. They were hanging out with the other dogs, just chilling- everything seemed cool. Manuel had commented that Hana would act kinda timid around the other dogs whenever he brought them out the desert. He would ask why she was such a wuss…we guessed she had some “issues” with being abandoned and maybe all the fighting she did with Leia when they were younger. Acting timid didn't make any sense, the other 2 dogs are tiny- one's a pug and the other is a Chihuahua.

Dec. 26th I got a call early in the morning asking for me to call Manuel back- I knew something was wrong. When we talked, he told me that Hana was in the hospital, she and Leia had gotten into a fight and it looked really bad- really bad. They hadn't fought for 3 or 4 years.....I don't remember a lot of the specifics that he said- just that the Dr. said she might not make it- he would know more after 3pm and he would call me then. I went down stairs to talk to my mom- I was really worried. I prayed for Creator to protect my Hana- please, please let me see my Hana one more time. Please let her be ok, let her make it through and I would do anything. 3pm came and they said that she had 50-50 chance; they needed to hold her over night for observation. Her pulse was weak, the nurse said that she didn't really respond to touch. I asked Manuel if he had seen her yet and he hadn't. He said he would go check on her and call me back. A little while later he called me and let me know that she didn't look good, but she wagged her tail slightly when she saw him. Yes! I was relieved- she was going to make it. We agreed to talk in the morning after the vet's office opened.

The next morning they decided to go ahead and finish giving her stitches and she could go home in the late afternoon. I told Manuel I would watch her while she healed. I got my room ready for her stay- I was looking forward to waiting on her, being there for her while she recovered. Manuel said he would drop her off at 7am before he went to work.

Tuesday Dec. 28th, Hana came to my house in Van Nuys. Manuel carried her in on her bed. She looked bad- stitches all over and a tube for some draining...it was hard to see her that way. Manuel said that she had been whimpering most of the night, so she might do that through out the day. I got all the instructions for her pills, etc. and said I would call him with a report in a few hours. Around 10am Hana started whimpering, I didn't know what to do. I lied on the floor next to her, put my head on her bed and was stroking her head. I remember her looking at me, she moved a little closer and gave me a kiss on the nose. I was talking to her softly telling her I was so sorry that this had happened to her. I gave her some water and prayed that she would be ok.

Soon her whimpers had turned into cries- she was in pain. Manuel called and said I could give her a pill early, but not too early. I told him she was really in pain, she was moaning. He said he would call the Dr. He called back saying we could give her one an hour early, I just had to wait a little bit.

I couldn’t stand her crying- it was like screaming. Plus, she had kept inching off her bed and sticking her head under my bed. I didn't understand why she was doing that. She did it twice- I thought maybe she was uncomfortable, so I laid her down on some towels on the floor. She didn't like that either, she kept putting her head under my bed. I moved her once more, facing her the opposite direction this time. I leaned her bed against a chair off to the side. She somehow inched her way and hid her head under her bed- whining and crying. I was freaking out, nothing was helping her. I laid on my bed and prayed to make her ok, please Creator, just make my Hana Ok. I could hear the next door neighbor commenting on the whining sound coming from our house- wondering what it was...it was that loud. Then it stopped. I thought, oh good, she fell asleep. I relaxed for a few minutes. But then I knew- I knew what it was. I jumped up and threw her bed back- Hana had passed away. For a second, I was relieved- she wasn't in pain anymore. I sat next to her for a second, petting her, thinking about our time with her. I then called Manuel at work. He answered and I didn't even say anything- when I finally spoke I just said "No, Manuel No! No!" He knew what I was talking about and said he would be right there.

I then called my mom and stared crying hysterically- why? Why did she have to die? I miss her already. My mom listened and comforted me. I then called my dad, a little bit calmer this time. He got upset over the phone. He said it brought back memories of his dog Goober that had passed away recently and of another family dog we had growing up- Sweetie. I then called Lucius, he was aware of Hana's situation and offered support.

Once the calls were through, I walked out of my room and told Joy (Grandma's caretaker) and my grandma. Grandma had no idea what I was talking about, but Joy did. She said she was sorry for my little dog. I went outside and started looking for a place to bury Hana. Shortly Manuel arrived and finished digging the hole we started in the back yard. We wrapped Hana in a little thin blanket and placed her in the ground. Before we covered the hole, we both talked about what a wonderful dog she was.

Oh, Hana, you were awesome. I know you never really recovered from what happened to you when you were just a puppy- but we did the best to provide a good home for you. I will miss you coming to the side of my bed in the middle of the night to give me a kiss, and then going back to your bed. I'll miss watching you jump and I'll miss trying to get you to sit still in my lap so I could hug and hold you. I wish you were here so I could hug you one more time...but I am grateful that I got to see you before you left. I look forward to seeing you when it's my time to go.....

So here we are today. One of the things my dad told me was to not hold it against Leia. She doesn't understand what she did. Poor Leia. Her only companion is now gone, she's all alone. I went over there the other night to take her out on a walk. She was so happy to see me. I'm going to go over there more often and have her come stay with me more frequently.

Man, it feels good to write about Hana. In some parts, tears were streaming down my face as I typed. This entry is more for me than anything. This is how I deal with my pain, I write.

Tomorrow is another day. I've resolved to keep blogging - so I will probably write about some of the other stuff that has been happening with me- all good.

Thanks for reading and check ya later!

~J
ndnjenjen@yahoo.com

Supersize This!

I know I haven’t written in quite some time. I’ve been trudging through life lately, but now there seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel.

Let’s see here, I still have lame people in my life that want to take the wind out of my sails. It wasn’t until I spoke with one of the wisest young women that I know, Miss Leya Hale, that I realized that it’s all just in your mind. I already knew that, but knowing something and acting on something are two completely different things. While at the Stanford pow wow I had a chance to talk to Leya, and she reminded me that once you have control over your mind, then you have control over everything. As my mentor Jeri Brunoe Samson says, “It’s not what happens to you, it’s what you do about it”. And so, I choose to keep my wind blowing. Funny thing is that as soon as I made that decision, and let go of the drama, a serious weight was lifted off my shoulders. And no sooner did the phone ring and it was Jeri with good news about all kinds of trainings coming up for the summer.

Recently I saw an amazing documentary called Super Size Me http://www.supersizeme.com/. It’s basically about this guy who eats nothing but Mc Donald’s for a month. The movie covers a bunch of other issues, like junk food in schools, advertisement and of course, diet and exercise. It really made me think about fast food. I’m already boycotting Mc Donald’s because they don’t give scholarships to American Indians on account that we are all sooooo rich from the casinos. (visit their website for details http://www.rmhc.org/mission/scholarships/index.html )Yeah, right! I only wish! This ndn girl is going to have to get rich the old fashion way, and it’s called hard work. But I digress. In the Super Size Me movie, the guy almost dies from all the fat and toxins that he is taking in from eating Mc Donald’s.

Which brings me to my point (‘cuz I usually do have one ). With all the negative stuff that has been going on in my life, I feel like I have been on a toxic diet. No, I wasn’t eating fast food everyday- but I wasn’t taking take of myself the best that I could. It was already hard enough for me with these toxic people, but then to not counter that attack with exercise, drinking water and time for me….well, no wonder I was feeling a weight on my shoulders. I do pray every morning when I get up, and through out the course of the day I have my own conversations with my ancestors. But I am now seeing that I wasn’t taking care of the “body” part of the “mind, body, spirit, environment” way, I was actually trying to over compensate in the spirit category, but with no luck.

So, that being said, I am now seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I have a lot of work ahead of me for the summer and I am so excited! I love work, because to me, it’s not work, it more like fun.

~J

Mission NOT Impossible

Today marks the day that I actually had doubts about the work that I am doing for Indian country. Well, not really doubts, but I wondered what it is inside of me that makes me want to do what I am doing. What is it that makes me so determined to make a positive lasting change for our people? I once told a friend of mine that I am on a mission from our ancestors. I think that's what it is, I'm on a mission and I can't rest until I see progress.

The past few weeks have been really busy, both professionally and personally.

First, I am doing my best to adjust to living with my grandmother. It's hard. Somedays I come home ready to work, and end up not working so we can take a walk together or spend time in the kitchen together. I feel a shift in my priorities. My grandma has alztimers, so I treasure every moment that I have with her. And it's hard to see a woman that at one point was so strong, now have difficulty eating her dinner. I find myself wondering how she's doing while I'm out at events. I want to call and check in with the her care givers (she has a day nurse and a night nurse that come everday). I want to be there all the time to supervise, or make sure they are feeding her what she likes, or letting her watch her shows. But it's ok, I'm really learning a lot about myself, even having glimpses of the type of mother I could possibly be.

Next, I have learned a hard lesson. I don't even want to write about it because I can hear my mother and my mentor telling me "I told you so", though they would never actually say that.

I have learned to believe in my abilities. My time is very valuable. When someone needs assistance with a project, I am the first to offer help, but now I am learning that I can actually say "no" and still live. Their project will go on, I don't need to have my hands in everything. Or at least, I need to know that if I am going to help out, that my help should be appreciated. What I bring to the table is worthy, and it's not only worthy, but should be respected.

I've also learned that no matter what, you can't please everyone. Yes, I know, no duh! Until recently, I wanted to make everyone happy. But everyone doesn't like me, in fact there are those that are doing what they can to try and bring me down. You know, the crab syndrome. I know you all know the crab story, about how Indians are like crabs in a bucket, everytime one of us trys to get to the top, our own will be the first to bring us back down. I've always told the youth that I work with that when they encounter gossip, to consider the source. Gossip seems to be the constant in our community, and I no longer bang my head against the wall and wonder what I'm doing working here.

Yes, I got so fed up once that I tried to leave. I said I was going back to corporate- but I couldn't. I couldn't stop working with Native people. I mean, I really couldn't. I tried!

Just this past Tuesday I was speaking with another youth worker who said the same thing, that he sometimes wished he could walk out and go where he was appreciated and paid more money (i.e. a corporate job) - but he couldn't . There is a tie that is holding us to our community. Another youth worker told me he could never get married, he's married to his job. I laughed, but then...he's right. It's like we have this illness that only serving our people can cure. We are addicted to our people!

So back to the gossip....stories will come and go, but I am not leaving. I can't. And I say that knowing that I thought that I could, but I've started to see the path that the Creator has laid out for me. I'm growing and learning, so even if I want to leave, the path will always lead me back to my people.

I remember a conference I went to in Palm Springs in 2002. I was in a workshop where there was a first time presenter and she asked the audience if anyone had some sage, she wanted to pray before she spoke. I wished so badly that I had some with me, but I didn't. Then, this woman came forward and pulled out this bag filled with sage, a ligher and tin foil. I was so taken aback, and I told her "Dang, you're good!". She looked at me and smiled with "I wasn't always this way". She said it takes practice, that it took her years for it to become a habit to always have sage on her. I said that I wanted to be like her, and she told me "you will be".

It's taken me 2 years, but I can't imagine starting a day without praying or heading off to an event with out thanking the Creator. I carry my little bag full of sage, tin foil, a lighter, tobacco and sweetgrass, ready to use if anyone needs it. In fact, I recently was at a funeral in Arizona when I received my first eagle feather. I just stood there, ready to cry, and trying to savor the moment because I always wondered what it would feel like to be given an eagle feather.

I think back to the Jennifer that was in that conference in 2002.....no wonder I didn't have any sage on me. I wasn't focused. I didn't know then that I would become so passionate about changing the world.

I know, sounds crazy, changing the world. But that's what I'm out to do, I want to help heal our people. I may not see it in my lifetime, but I can start building a ladder so more and more "crabs" can escape our bucket.

Well, once again, I thank you for stopping by and reading my random thoughts.
Comments, questions or clarifications-
ndnjenjen@yahoo.com

Thanks!
~J

High Prophecy for Low Times

Hey you all! Today it’s raining in LA. It’s not that cold, I’m sitting with my balcony door open. I think I’m savoring my last few days here. I’m going to permanently moving in with my grandmother soon. She isn’t doing so well anymore. It’s really hard. But the hardest part is my family and their reaction to watching our matriarch fade. No one wants to take the necessary time to actually do something about the problem; instead they throw money at it. Wow, that’s really harsh, but sometimes the truth hurts.

I wasn’t at the Thanksgiving dinner this year, but I guess they were asking the younger ones to move in with her, like saying “Hey, what are you doing now, why don’t you move in with her?”. I was talking to my brother about it, we were joking saying “Why don’t YOU do something about it, instead of asking us to”.

Which leads me to my blog entry….

I’m in the middle of writing a screenplay, my first. It’s going pretty good. I mean, I’ve always had these things in my head, like swirling around. They are now at the point that I have to commit to getting them on paper.

It takes discipline, which I am slowly gathering. I’m finding I am willing do anything but sit down and write. Like today I had all day to write, but somehow I needed to do laundry, do the dishes, make jell-o (I have no idea why) and the worst… I made an incense burner out of a diet coke bottle. I actually did a whole arts and crafts project, I thought about decorating it, but then said enough is enough!

If it wasn’t for this book that I read, “The Artist’s Way”, I wouldn’t have recognized that I am not psycho, I’m just used to being a “shadow artist”. Basically, that’s someone who surrounds themself with other artists, lives vicariously through them, rather than getting the balls to be one themselves. Well, the book doesn’t say balls, but in my case specifically, I think I need some…that’s what’s holding me back. That, and discipline. So when I almost got out my paints, and started contemplating the color schemes for my incense burner, I basically yelled out (in my head) “I’m mad as hell, and I’m not going to take it anymore!” I even felt like I was Peter Finch, from the 1976 classic “Network”. So after recognizing my distractions, I sat down and started typing.

Oh, but before I actually opened my screenplay, I typed this blog entry and this poem. I rationalized that the poem is going to be used in a scene in my film…It really is! Check it out, it’s in spoken word style. One of the characters will recite it in his workshop that all the main characters go to, like at youth conference…

Warriors in the Wings

We’re coming to get ya
Our minds preparin’
Tired of the starin’
Thinking of comparin’
This tragedy
that you call
our – poor - lives
Were gonna rise
You’ll feel our plight
Goin’ to school
Gettin’ ready for fight
Not with our fists
Ain’t that way no more
It’s a battle of the minds
Leading to bigger doors
Each door we open
Shines some light
Scarin’ away the weak ones
For only the strong
will survive
this fight!
Today it’s about what you know
Know your history! Know your language! Know your laws!
And don’t depend on the casino
Greed's a lost cause
Find other ways to line your nest
For giving back and sharing the message
Is the only way to pass this test
Land? Yeah, we got that!
Heroes, yeah, we got that, too!
The rest of the country doesn’t even have a clue
Add stories, music, history and so much more to the list
Things that you wouldn’t understand, so you’ll dis’
It’s ok, you don’t have to fear
Come sit over here, listen to your peer
Remember you said, “In God We Trust”
Check please!
Excuse me, I’ll be taking this land back for us
Don’t get all mad now, now that we found our mission
The truth and honesty would have avoided this position
Our fighting ring is the courtroom
The once mystery place for us
We raised the bar, knowledge is now a must
We got our education, we learned the law
And we are preparing our young
So they won’t fall
All our pride restored
From rez to city to village to rancheria
Throwin’ out the old history books,
And goodbye welfare, we don’t need ya!
Our culture no longer ignored
We’re in the books, the TV and on the radio
We are getting’ healthy, we’re getting’ smart
Scoot over, we’re gonna be in control.
We’ve learned our lessons
It’s time for us to drive
Fasten your seatbelts
It’s gonna be a beautiful ride!

Comments, questions, clarifications:
ndnjenjen@yahoo.com

To Albuquerque and Back Again

I've been back in Los Angeles now for over a week, and I'm still having trouble writing about the events that happened while I was in Albuquerque, NM. I'm having difficulty with describing what I experienced because I want my account to be accurate and honest. So here I go....

While in NM I caught a glimpse into the future of our people. Our people meaning Native Americans, First Nations, what ever you call yourself as an indigenous person....all of us, not tribally specific. I have seen our future leadership and I'm happy.

On Wednesday November 19th, two young women stood up at the NCAI (National Congress of American Indians) general assembly and pointed out that alcohol was served at a fundraiser and youth were present. I know from talking with these women that they were truly upset seeing some of our tribal leaders drinking AND more importantly, having youth around to witness it. One of them said that she wouldn't want to find her leader in an "environment like this", and she would question their leadership skills if they were there.

Hmmmm, she gave me something to think about....

There I was, having a great time (not drinking). I was so impressed with Native Threads and there efforts to raise money for NCAI. The set design was awesome, I mean it was really professional! They had an awesome line up, Drew Lacapa, The Sneezy Boys, Casper and music by DJ Able.

I had just finished watching Drew Lacapa perform his stand-up comedy and I was on my way to the restroom when it all started. I walked out and found one of the young women standing by the exit waiting for one of our major leaders to come out so she could get his advice on the alcohol situation...should they write an emergency resolution? complain to the executive council? say nothing? Since I was there as a trainer for the youth commission, I called it quits for the evening and helped gather the youth that were concerned about the event. The respected leader came out and he advised the group to let him handle it, that it was a tricky situation. They seemed ok with that, and went up to one of the girl's rooms and ordered pizza.

Now since we had arrived at NCAI, the training team had been meeting late at night to review the day and change any plans for the next day. That night our team also ordered pizza and talked about what had happened earlier. I had mentioned to one of the trainers that it had never crossed my mind that the youth would get upset about the alcohol. I was out there having a great time, it caught me by surprise to see the young woman standing by the exit. But that was because I am so used to seeing alcohol at these events, unfortunately it's the norm. One of them said that if a candidate was running for office and DIDN'T serve alcohol at their reception, then no one would go. And you know what, it's probably true. Is it? I can only imagine....

The next day, the youth commission met as usual, we were just getting started with our agenda when a man from Albuquerque came knocking at the door. He said that he had heard that some of the youth were upset about the alcohol being present and he wanted volunteers to testify at general assembly (in front of an audience of about 300 or more Native people). The two young women left with him to get ready to speak. Then the advance group followed to witness and offer their support. The rest of the youth commission wanted to go, so before you know it, we were all on our way to the convention center.

When it was time for them to address the executive council, I was off to the side with the youth commission coordinator, Jeri Brunoe Samson. I don't remember what or who we were talking to, but we were caught off guard that it was their time. Jeri quickly dashed over to where a majority of the youth were sitting and told them to go stand behind the 2 speakers. In less than 10 seconds, about seventy five kids stood up and made their way to support the 2 women speaking. It was in those 10 seconds that I caught a glimpse into the future. The whole room gasped as the youth took their place in the aisle and stood facing the executive council. It was amazing, it was so powerful. Tears filled my eyes and my throat tightened. I looked at Jeri and she had the same look on her face. I closed my eyes and thought how these kids may not realize it, but they were making a difference at the moment. They were telling the leaders that when it comes time for them to be in charge, they will run things differently.

When they were done speaking, the youth all filed out and we went back to the youth commission. I stayed in general assembly for about 10 additional minutes and watched in amazement as tribal leader after leader got up and supported the youth's statements. Leaders were getting up right and left agreeing with the 2 young women. It was great! I walked back to the youth commission feeling secure about the future of our Native nations.

Some of you may think that when it's their time, that these young leaders may have all the intentions to run things differently, but they won't. Or that most young leaders start out wanting to make positive change, but grow tired of defeat and eventually give in. But I have faith. What I witnessed that day gave me hope for our people and our future. I think on their watch, they will raise the bar and raise the standards. I pray for that.

And speaking of raising the bar....

I'm not trying to put on a front about being an angel. That's the last thing I want to do. I drink, I have smoked pot, I have taken a lot unhealthy risks with my life. I'm not proud of that, but I want to be honest. I can understand the youth and their concerns about seeing their leaders in that type of environment, that makes sense. But I also know that as I've grown, I have learned to make wiser choices.

I have been sober driver at a few events...make that at a few conferences. One in particular in Phoenix, I remember dragging my water bottle around with me and everyone making fun of me for NOT drinking. And yes, there have been those times where I have joined the crowd and ordered a drink. However, being present in that convention center when those 2 young women stood up, that has changed something inside me. I'm not sure what exactly it has changed, but something different.

I talked to Jeri about it afterwards and told her that I think it's time for me to move to the next level, I'm going to be sober. She said that since I don't have a problem, that shouldn't really be an issue. I agreed, but I think that it's now time for me to just step up to the plate and just do it. Shoot, I've finished a marathon, I moved to LA without having any friends, I've started my own business....I think I can release this habit without problems.

Well, let me qualify that.

I've already had problems. And now I know why those in recovery need a new batch of friends. I think that is going to be the most challenging part, getting my friends to support my intentions. When I was still in NM, I was invited to go out bar hopping on the last night. On the plane ride from LA, I was really looking forward to going out at least one night while in NM. However, I told my friend that as much as I wanted to go, I didn't think I should. Not only that, but my absolute need to see the nightlife faded away....how strange. I was actually looking forward to just spending time with my friend, but I knew that if I was to go out, we really wouldn't get to talk. We would be in some smoky, loud bar yelling sentences at each other. So I went with my training team instead and we ordered room service.

That was a great night, just sitting around, joking and working. I miss that feeling of being around other Native people, and also being in a safe environment where we could talk without having to put on a front.

But here I am, back home.
I need new friends.
Or
I need my current friends to be ok with my intentions.
Or maybe I just need more strength, I need some of what those 2 young women have. They have true NDN power, they have balls, they are our future.

I don't have the answers, I just know that I'm raising the bar. How can I expect them to lead us if I can't live by the same standards?

Thanks for reading,
Jen

comments, questions or clarifications.....
ndnjenjen@yahoo.com

Ready for Take Off

This week was productive. I've been having a lot moments where I feel like things are falling into place. It's quite welcoming- especially since I feel like I was kinda in the dark for a while there.

I once read this book that described 3 forms of deja vu. For those of you that don't believe in angels or any type of "new age" ideas (for lack of a better word), maybe skip down a few paragraphs.

Ok, so deja vu is when you feel like you have experienced something before, but you haven't. The first form is "people", as in you think you have met someone before, but you haven't. It can be good or bad. Good, like you were "meant" to meet that person- or bad, like your intuition is telling you to watch your back. The next is "places", as in you feel that you have been to a place before, but again, you haven't. Just like the "people" category, it can mean you were meant to be there, or to watch out and be careful. The last form is just a general feeling like things are going the way they are supposed to...it's hard to describe unless you have experienced it. When I tell people about it, I usually say it's like having a warm calm feeling come over you and the phrase "this is the way it's supposed to be" comes to mind.

It's a good thing when you have deja vu, it means that you are headed in the right direction. It's kinda like a clue or a sign post that gives you directions when you are lost. Sounds kinda crazy, maybe it is. All I know is that this past week has been full of "it's all good" moments. So if I haven't lost you by now, continue on...

My first "warm fuzzy" this week was from a friend of mine, Willie Carrillo. He works for a Native program and is such a wonderful asset to the communities that he serves. He contacted me to see if I could put on some Healthy Relationship Building workshops for his youth. It's been back and forth with faxes, phone calls and emails- but it looks good. After reading a fax from his office today, I took a moment to reflect. All I could think about was this cheesy line that I say to my brother when it feels like big things are coming...I say "the planets are aligning" (Was that an overshare? I guess I am kinda crazy). I don't know where I picked up that line..Star Trek, The Dark Crystal, some dated sci-fi movie? It's my way of saying that I need to get ready, something is coming.

My second "warm fuzzy" was actually more of a panic that turned into a moment of relief. On Tuesday night I got a call from my friend Jeremiah Bitsui, a Native filmmaker going through the IFP Project: Involve program. IFP is a well known organization that has offices in New York, Chicago, Miami, Seattle, St. Paul and of course, LA. They have this program called Project: Involve that pairs you up with a mentor in Directing, Producing, Acting, Casting, etc., depending on the field that you want to study. I had always thought that I was too old to apply, that it was for kids that were in high school or going to college, so I never applied. Jeremiah called me to tell me he asked if I was too old (32), and his counselor encouraged me to apply. There was a catch- the application was due in 48 hours! Dang! I ran home and started writing my personal statement.

The next day I called my friend Ray Spiess for a letter of recommendation. In less than 7 hours I had my letter signed. As we looked over his letter, I realized how lucky I was to have him as a recommendation. Ray is a member of IFP, Academy of Television Arts and Sciences (the Emmys), Motion Picture Sound Editors and a Sundance Film Festival Alumni..whoa! Not to mention he is now the Supervising Sound Editor of the WB show One Tree Hill and the owner of Soaring Eagle Films.

Let me just take a time out to thank Ray for being a mentor, an awesome friend, a great pep talk giver (is there such a word?) and someone who lets me cry to them when things get crazy. I'm smiling remembering all the fun times we had working in the summer of 2002 on our PSAs and music video. He is truly a role model not just for Native people, but for anyone that wants to get in to the entertainment industry- you've been told!

So fast forward to today as I'm racing over to Beverly Hills to drop of my application. When I walked out of the BMG building, I thought, no worries, accepted or not, at least I did it. If I never applied, it would probably bug me for the rest of my life. I called Jeremiah to thank him and let him know I applied. He gave me the heads up on what to expect next, etc. Sitting on the jam packed freeway, the feeling hit...it's all going to be ok, this is the way it's supposed to be.

My last "warm fuzzy" was only moments later. I called Yoland Garcia, coordinator for the American Indian Children's Council, here in LA. She recommended one of the student business' to cater an event, and it was approved! Woo-hoo! I was so happy for my students Adrian Phoenix and John Mia. They went through the "Start Your Own Business" class and came up with "The Red Chili Shack" catering and one day, cafe. I'm always promoting people, in anyway that I can. I mentioned to Yolanda that I had these kids that could do catering if there was an event, please let me know. I was so happy to call the families and tell the to get ready. The event doesn't happen until May, 2004, so they got plenty of time to prepare. I hung up the phone and suddenly the traffic didn't seem so bad.

What can I say? The planets are aligning. What will happen when they all line up? Heck if I know...but I feel like it will be really good. I pray for my students, my family, my friends and the community. Do I dare think that the day is coming when we as Native people will break the cycles of dysfunction...? It's coming, maybe not in my lifetime, but it will be here before we know it. We're on the tv, in government, on the radio, playing sports and even up in space, we are everywhere!

This past summer I told my friend Jason that I was "on a mission from our ancestors". Yeah, I am. My mission: to bring hope, to love and to help as many Native people as possible. What about the haters, the crabs? Well, they need love, too- but they might not be ready for it yet. Concentrate on helping those that want help, for they will be the ones to help the others when they are ready. Man, where are these words coming from? I'm having my own "Conversations with God" over here in my room. Is that possible? Yeah it is! We all can do that. In fact, that's part of my mission, encourage people to have conversations with the Creator. Talk, He'll talk back and help you. My shoulders are tensing up as I write. I can feel the haters- they're thinking, saying and doing what they can to shut me up- put me back "in my place". Oh well, I can't worry about that- I'm on a mission.

Until my mission is completed-
Pray and give thanks :-)

Peace,
Jennyjenjen
ndnjenjen@yahoo.com