The Showdown and the Shawl

I've finally had the conversation that I needed to have for quite some time now. In one of my entries I wrote "surround yourself with love". Now I know what I really meant when I wrote that. It's kinda like taking out the garbage, it sucks but has to be done or everything else will stink. I think I wrote something along the lines of, "those that don't support you, you should kick them to the curb". So I am now on my way to moving from Burbank to Pasadena.

When the dust settled from showdown at casa Villalobos, I reached for the phone to call my good friend Tasha Rondeaux. I was supposed to head out to the Southwest Museum for the Southern California Indian Center dance workshop, but I felt like blowing it off. However, Tasha was out and I wasn't going to be able go kick it with her and give here a frame by frame description of the showdown. Oh well! So I reluctantly headed off to the dance workshop. I sighed when I got in my car, thinking that I at least had a new direction and I actually felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

As I neared the museum, my thoughts turned to the dance workshop. I had no idea what to expect. I only learned a couple of my Tohono O'odham dances a few years ago, so I was once again going to be student. I have always wanted to learn fancy-shawl, but never really had the opportunity. I heard that there was a free workshop offered at the museum, but I also heard that it was only for little kids. It wasn't until I was volunteering at the 2003 SCIC Orange County Pow-wow that I was informed that anyone can participate in the workshop, even old people like me :-) , yeah!

I walked in and what did I see? Only little girls running around with their shawls, dang! I was going to be the only "big person" in the group. But hey, I really do want to learn how to dance, so I forged on.

Once inside, I scanned the room for someone, anyone, that I knew. I locked in on my friend Avril, and headed for the seat next to her. I had missed the first official class the week before since I was in Bishop, so she gave me the update on what was covered. I told her that I didn't even have a shawl, I just wanted to show up and check it out. I introduced myself to the instructor, Memory Hayes, and gave her my story. In a nutshell, I know nothing and I want to learn everything. She was really nice and joked with me that it's better late than never. I told her while I was showing her how uncoordinated I am, that I hoped my Indian gene kicked in soon.

After a few songs, I went back to Avril's side and chatted. When our break was over, the class then moved to practicing around the drum. Now, I may not know that much about protocol and the ins and outs of being Indian, but I knew there was no way I was getting out there without a shawl, practice or no practice. Memory came over and asked me to join, and I told her I didn't really feel comfortable. She went off to get me the "loaner" shawl (or is it loner?...how sad!).

It was then that Avril and I started to talk about how in Indian country, no one really tells you these things, you just have to learn the hard way. And unfortunately, the hard way usually means that people gossip about you until it gets back to you, and then you learn. Avril shared that she, too, had to learn a few things that way. I said,"How messed up is that? That in order for us to learn about all the unspoken protocol, we make fun of our own people, ridicule them and make them feel bad. Wouldn't it be easier to just tell someone the proper protocol before they had to make a mistake? ". Then I really got on my soapbox and said,"And I don't buy that it's just the Indian way. Or, how else are you going to learn if you don't learn by mistake. That's just setting people up to fail." As I spoke, I thought of people that I have run into in the community who are real "old school". I think they were even happy to see me personally make public mistakes, to see me learn the hard way. As I write, I can see their faces. This only fuels me to make things better for the youth that I work with- I don't want any of them to have to go through what I did when I first started working with the Indian community. In fact, I don't want anyone to have to go through that. I don't understand where this whole "score-card" of who is more Indian than the other began? I wonder when we will begin to start building ladders to help each other advance and get better, rather than try to block others from improving themselves. Ok, I'll get down from my soapbox.

So back to the workshop. I ended up using Avril's shawl and getting the basics down...kinda. While I was dancing, I thanked God that I had a place to go where I could hear the drum and spend time with supportive friends. I was calm and felt assured about my decision. When the workshop was over, I confided in my friend Annette. She's my Tohono O'odham and pow-wow "mentor". I told her that I was so grateful to have a healthy and productive environment to go to, instead of laying around and feeling sorry for myself.

Later that night, just before I fell asleep, I wondered if I was doing the right thing- venturing out on my own. You guys that know me well, know that I'm all about "signs"-as in "Creator, give me a sign". I don't actually ask for signs, I just recognize them when they happen. Kinda like, oh, ok, I see this is the direction that you want me to head in... (Don't worry if you don't get it, I'm kinda weird that way). I said my prayers and fell asleep.

Now let's fast forward to this evening. I was just about to begin my Entrepreneurship class, when I looked up and saw Avril standing in the hallway. She motioned for me to come to her. I got up and thought,"Uh-oh, what happened? What did I do?". She was with her daughter Jackie. Once outside, they handed me the most beautiful turquoise shawl! She said,"This is for you. You do so much for everyone else, we thought you should have it". I was speechless...but only for a second (of course, with my big mouth). I didn't really know what to say, tears started to build up. I thanked them and gave them a hug. I think I might have said something like I could now be official- or maybe they said that, I can't really remember. I was just so touched. They headed upstairs to Wednesday night UCLA tutoring, and I dried my eyes and turned back to my class.

The rest of the night was a success. One of my fears has been about the future of my consulting business, especially now that I'm going to be solo. But again, I had some signs that it's all going to be ok. First, tonight's guest speaker, Sharon Chambers from the National Center for American Indian Enterprise Development, brought up a proposal that I submitted after I attended their annual conference in Las Vegas. Friend Clark TallBull and I thought of adding a youth track to their Reservation Economic Summit. Back in February or March, I typed up a concept proposal on how a youth track could be accomplished. I actually thought the whole idea was dead, but Sharon told the class that she wanted to find funding to bring the idea to life. Wow, I was surprised! Next, I came home to find an email request for not 1, but 2 proposals from another friend that works with youth. I replied that I will have them both ready for him by Friday.

On my refrigerator door there's a magnet that reads "Leap and the net will appear". I have leaped and I feel not only the net, but the parachute, catching me. I'm still scared. I'm still really scared. But, I have extreme faith. I think that's all I need for this journey that I'm facing.


Thanks for stopping by!
Jen
ndnjenjen@yahoo.com